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My heart is torn

We're zeroing in on one year.

Yeah. I know.

Every time I think about it, I want to break down in tears - partly because "Oh my goodness where did my baby go?!" and partly because "Thank goodness I can't believe we made it this far!"

Tonight? Tonight I'm leaning toward the sad tears.

Because my baby didn't let me put her to sleep. 

Our bedtime routine has always been precious to me. In a normal week, I only get to do our "nigh nights" twice, so I love the time for us to cuddle, rock, relax and nurse.

The first of many photos I took on my phone while Kenlee slept in my arms.
Ever since Kenlee was born I've been able to nurse her to sleep. Our first night in the hospital she nursed to sleep, and I stayed up for a good hour in the dark watching her relaxed in my arms. She was just content and comforted by her momma.

And with the exception of some cranky nights and growth spurts, our nighttime nursing sessions have always knocked her right out. Even when she finally unlatches, I love to watch her little lips suck at the air as she dream nurses some more.

But tonight was different. We had our normal routine of bath, jammies and kisses from daddy. Then she nursed and cuddled with me in the rocking chair.

But then she was done. She wanted up. She didn't want me anymore.

I could tell she was frustrated as she thrashed with her eyes closed. So I scooped her up and laid her in her crib where she promptly rolled over and fell fast asleep. She didn't need her momma. She just wanted her own bed.

I guess it's only natural. And I know I should be glad she's learned to self soothe. But it's just tearing me up inside a little bit knowing my baby's getting bigger and more independent.

Some days I find myself counting down til the end our breast-feeding, longing for freedom from my pump and my baby's routine.

But other days, like today, I find myself longing for that first night in the hospital, needing nothing but each other.


  1. I can't believe it has been nearly a year for you already. I think you have done a wonderful job as a new mommy. I am always thankful that you are one step ahead of me and give advice. I know exactly what you mean by just watching them. I often put Ace up on my shoulder once he is done nursing and just pat his back slightly while he falls back to sleep, sometimes I find myself sitting there for a while and then think "oh I should put him back in his crib and go back to sleep" ha. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Awww! Thanks Kim! And yes, I've probably lost a lot of good sleep hours just snuggling when I should have put her down and went to sleep. Nothing wrong with that!


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